so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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