My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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