yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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