I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
