Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
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