Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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