tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
there is puke in my bra ... again
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