so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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