She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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