I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Even the bartender felt bad for me
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we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
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I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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