I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I understand Curling. That high.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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