I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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