i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
