Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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