i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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