just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
