when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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