I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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