listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
