theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so let's talk penis.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
