i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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