I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
