I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life