I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.