what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
