So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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