70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm passing your future prison.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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