Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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