Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I stole a fireplace last night.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
