I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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