I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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