Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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