I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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