Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
