I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
