Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
