i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
