So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
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When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
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We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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