OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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