i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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