I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
