Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
