his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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