He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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