This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
