i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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