I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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