She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
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The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
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She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!