i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.