I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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