I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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