we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
