shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
