If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
