God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
